Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
never ask a starfish for directions
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.