*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.