“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Well, this explains it:
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
#inspiration #foodforthought
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled