Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
This fish is cracking me up
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers