[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
You Might Also Like
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
#Caturday
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Accurate
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes