To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I love snow
– People who never shovel
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
my dad has had enough
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!