Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him