Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Bit chilly again tonight.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]