Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
DOOO EEEET
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie