Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You Might Also Like
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
#damn
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.