I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated