man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
May never get over this
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars