[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.