Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.