Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg