if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I think I’m having a stroke
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
next level snooze
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again