COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug