In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity