I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
This could be us but you eatin’
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.