Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.