DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none