I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
What personal space?
My dog