always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
August 8
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.