My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
how was your vacation
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch