penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.