*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…