[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee