(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Fights fire with marshmallows
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I bet
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!