I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you