Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
#ParentingFacts
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.