Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.