I like long walks away from everyone
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You had me at “define legal”.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.