[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner