the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
much to think about
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*