Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
You Might Also Like
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.