Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Ah..makes sense now
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.