Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
rapatouille
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.