Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

so, is there a mister shapen head

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now