Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?