Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity