* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog