Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Nice try, NASA
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled