Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
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[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Had an epiphany today.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.