I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You Might Also Like
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?