dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A