The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You Might Also Like
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Breaking news:
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants