Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You Might Also Like
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.