*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..