ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.