Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!